Barry Bonds Trial Comedy at Its Best
by Gus Jarvis
Mar 31, 2011 | 2817 views | 0 0 comments | 10 10 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Barry Bonds still can’t find an ounce of humility in him and just admit he has done steroids…lots of steroids. While his federal perjury trial goes on in San Francisco, Bonds is proving a lot of things. He’s proven to be stubborn as a mule. His head is physically smaller now that he’s out of baseball. Mistresses will always come back to hurt you. Perhaps the biggest lesson the Bonds trial is teaching me is the notion that I need new friends.

Barry Bonds has a very loyal friend and I wish I had one just as loyal. Of course, I’m referring to Bonds’ personal trainer Greg Anderson, who since the beginning to of the federal trial has been incarcerated for the fourth time for refusing to testify against his so-called best friend. Ever since Bonds has been in the spotlight for allegedly using steroids, Anderson, who pled guilty for trafficking illegal steroids in a separate case, has consistently refused to work with investigators in proving whether or not Bonds lied to a federal grand jury in 2003 when he said he never knowingly used performance enhancing drugs.

While Anderson has been known to inject steroids in other players during the ’roid era, Bonds simply contends he actually thought Anderson was injecting flaxseed oil. If this is really the case, I am going straight to the nearest health food store to pick some up and head to the batting cages in preparation for my big league career. Of course, I don’t believe this, federal prosecutors don’t believe this and no-one with opposable thumbs believes this.

Because Bonds is so conveniently ignorant about what was being put into his body, the only person who really knows what was in injected is Anderson, and he would rather sit in a jail cell than tell the world he did what Bonds had asked him to do – juice him up. What a good friend Anderson is. To go to jail for a guy like Bonds, who shows no personality and whom it actually hurts to smile, he is a dedicated friend. It’s that or Bonds is putting Anderson’s kids through college and plans to buy him a dream home in the Bahamas, once he is set free.

Of course, Anderson may not be talking because his testimony against Bonds will open up a legal can of worms for him, as well, and he could end up spending more time in jail than he would by simply not testifying. Any way you hack it up, Bonds used steroids and he lied to a federal grand jury. That’s a big no-no and he should pay dearly for it.

I have said this before and I will say it again. If Bonds would have just come out and said he did steroids way back when, nobody would have batted an eye at him. He really was a victim of the steroid era. He wasn’t getting any younger as he watched Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa break homerun records. He needed a boost and he took it. By denying it, though, he makes everybody who appreciates baseball look like a complete idiot. Barry Bonds really does think we are all stupid. I hate him for it.

Is his pride worth all of this? How can he sit in a federal courtroom while his so-called “best friend” sits in a jail cell. Isn’t the federal perjury trial embarrassing enough? Is it really worth it, Barry?

On Monday, his former mistress Kimberly Bell took the stand to discuss their nine-year relationship while Bonds was married. Besides telling the jury Bonds threatened to cut out her breast implants because he paid for them, she said Bonds’ physique changed, and he developed back acne, rapid hair loss, grey chest hair and shrinking testicles.

“He changed sexually, in his testicles and performance and that,” she said, according to The New York Times. “The shape, size of his testicles were smaller, unusual, differently shaped.” She also said he had to take “something” to resolve his trouble maintaining an erection.

Even the Giants equipment manager got in on the action. According to, Mike Murphy testified that Bonds’ hat size increased from 7-1/4 to 7-3/8 in 2002. All the jury has to do is look at Bonds right now in the courtroom and see that this small, skinny guy is not the same, to put it into Snooki terms, “gorilla juicehead” we all watched win the homerun record. He’s half the size he once was. (His attorneys should have kept him juicing before the trial so he didn’t look that different.)

Bonds must be crazy. I would much rather admit to using steroids than have my mistress take the stand and tell the entire world that my testicles went from prunes to raisins, and that I need a Viagra prescription. Just say you took steroids and lied, Barry, and end your embarrassment.

While everybody knows Bonds took steroids and lied to a federal grand jury, I have the feeling that he will be acquitted, OJ Simpson style. For what reason, I don’t know. It just seems like it could be one of those cases that’s in the bag, until the jury will brings out some crazy verdict.

Meanwhile, let’s all sit back and watch as his story unfolds in front of the world. The entertainment value is priceless. Flaxseed oil. Ha. That’s comedy at its best.
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