A Miracle in the Mail From Iraq | View to the West
by Peter Shelton
Apr 15, 2008 | 645 views | 0 0 comments | 3 3 recommendations | email to a friend | print
I’m sitting here doing my income taxes, working the deductions on my Schedule C. Let’s see: there was the drive up to Telluride for the final Sunday At The Palm movie on Dec. 2 – 110 miles round trip times 48.5 cents per mile; there’s the postage on mailing a copy of my 10th Mountain Division book to Captain Powder up in Seattle – $3.52 media rate; $4.13 to Waste Management on Nov. 6 for a dump load of household trash, times .106, which is the square-foot percentage of office space in my home…

Then, out of the blue, a miracle appeared in my in-box that should make worrying about taxes a thing of the past. It was an email from a patriotic American soldier, a “US Marine” it said (in quotes) stationed in Mosul, Iraq. I couldn’t believe my good luck. This guy, Sgt. Marc Krois, stumbled across $30 million on a rescue mission to one of Saddam’s old palaces, and he wants to give $5 million of it to me!

I probably shouldn’t be talking about this. Sgt. Krois’s missive did say: “One request I will like that you keep this information to yourself. Should you have any reason to reject this offer, please destroy this mail, as any leakage will be too bad for us.”

The story went like this: “Some monies in various currencies were discovered concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunitions… and it was agreed by the few of us present that the money be shared amongst us, though this was an illegal thing to do.”

He went on to say, “But I tell you what? No compensation can make up for the risks we are taking with our lives in this hellhole.” I tell you what, you sure as heck can’t argue with that.

Sgt. Krois writes that he needs to “urgently evacuate the sum of $30,000,000.00 (Thirty million US dollars) clean legal notes and all in US$100 bills out of here to a safe place, having found a secure way to do so.” Somehow this involves me, and boy am I excited! Five mil won’t put me in the same league with the Clintons ($109 mil since he quit being president), but the wife and I could use it to pay off our sub-prime mortgage, and then, who knows? Buy a new TV maybe.

This guy Krois (funny, he doesn’t say where in the States he’s from) sure has had a tricky time with that money in Iraq, concealing it and all. He said, “I have now found a temporary solution with the help of a lady who is working with an international organization here, she does not know the real contents of the packages used in concealing the funds and must not know rather believes that the packages belong to an Asian American who died in an air raid and before giving up, he trusted me to hand the packages as it is to his business associate in Europe.”

Whoa! No wonder he says that hiding “this volume of cash has been a big problem/source of distraction to me.” But it sounds like he’s got it figured out now. I can so relate when he says in the letter, “I want to have a very peaceful retirement life after my service here and I rely so much on this fortune to provide that for me.”

Then he signed it, “Semper Fi,” which must be some kind of secret Iraqi code or something. And finally, “If this proposal is acceptable to you, I await your urgent email so we can discuss more.”

Yes! I am so set. Five million bucks! (I wonder if I have to declare this as income to the IRS. Or the money that’s coming soon from that princess in Nigeria?) All I have to do is click on REPLY...

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