First, let me go ahead and say, I just love CBS Television’s programming. You guys are top-notch. With not-to-miss shows like 2 Broke Girls, NCIS: Los Angeles and How I Met Your Mother, I rarely have reason to turn the channel for any other programming. Hell, sometimes I have trouble making it to work on time because I just can’t stand to miss just one episode of The Price Is Right. CBS provides the laughter and suspenseful drama that make my life interesting. Thank you.
Even more kudos go to CBS Sports and its coverage of the Masters, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, and SEC football games. Your head sportscaster “Big” Jim Nance does one hell of a job covering all those special sporting events. But as great as CBS Sports has become over the years, there is one person bringing the whole CBS team down. That person is none other than Phil Simms.
For the love of all good and decent things, fire Phil Simms immediately. The man has no soul and his coverage of the NFL is unbearable. Simms is still trying to prove he’s one of the best quarterbacks of all time and he’s not. And it makes him the worst of the worst NFL broadcasters of all time.
Take, for instance, last weekend’s wild, wildcard game between the Denver Broncos and the Pittsburgh Steelers. For Denver fans, the 29-23 overtime victory will go down in Broncos lore as one of the most exciting playoff finishes ever. Tebow, a quarterback who supposedly has no throwing ability, hooked up with wide receiver Demaryius Thomas on the first play of overtime for an 80-yard touchdown pass to win the game. It was electrifying. It was a game where Tebow played flawlessly as a quarterback and he won the game with his own style and his own strong will to win the game. Tebow threw for 316 yards, two touchdowns and zero interceptions. Those are damn big numbers against the number one defense in the NFL.
Of course, every sports talking head, myself not included, believed this matchup between the 8-8 Broncos and the 12-4 Steelers was simply going to be a blowout. Tebow and the boys were riding into the playoffs on a three-game losing skid. Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers offense were going to go into Mile High stadium and put a beat down on the Broncos. Simple as that. Nobody doubted it.
So to see the underdog Broncos win the game, not by the running of Tim Tebow but the passing of Tim Tebow, it was a grand surprise for everyone, even, perhaps, Jesus himself. For CBS, the game couldn’t have played out any better. An overtime win with Tebow magic? That’s the stuff high ratings are made of. It seemed everyone but Steelers fans would love this game. Everyone but Steelers fans and Phil Simms.
In the few Bronco games Simms has covered this year, it’s been painfully obvious that he really doesn’t like Tim Tebow. I suspect it stems from the fact that Tebow doesn’t have “perfect” quarterback throwing mechanics or that he likes to run often. As a so-called quarterback expert, Simms loves to trash Tebow because it makes him look smart while Tebow struggles. But when Tebow somehow wins the game despite all his flaws, Simms is the one looking like an idiot.
When the Broncos failed to move the ball effectively in the first quarter of the game, Simms was all over Tebow on why things weren’t working. Simms almost had a certain blood-lust to his voice when things weren’t going well for Tebow. You could tell the “See, I told you so!” would come out at any moment.
When the Broncos put up 20 points in the second quarter, Simms couldn’t quite figure out what to do. He tried to compliment Tebow as if he knew Tebow had it in him the whole time. Simms tried to be cool, saying he knew all along Tebow was this good. Switching from his “trash-Tebow” mentality to his “I knew Tebow was this good” all along mentality was about as bad as Mitt Romney on the campaign trail. Give me a break guys. Take a stance and stick with it.
Simms likes to be intelligent when it comes to talking quarterbacks in the NFL, but Tebow makes Simms sound like the village idiot. It’s this notion that drives to the heart of Simms’ biggest problem: Elway was much, much better.
Yes, Simms beat Elway in a Super Bowl, but does anyone really remember that? Hell no. Does anyone remember Elway and The Drive? Hell yes. Everyone does. Elway went out on top after winning two Super Bowls. How did Simms go out? He was released by the Giants after going 11-5 in 1993. Oh yeah, Elway has that sweet gold jacket that only those in the hall of fame wear. I don’t think Simms will be receiving one of those any time soon.
There’s no doubt in my mind that Simms hates Denver, so when Thomas ran the ball into the end zone on Sunday evening, giving the Broncos the win, you better believe I had some choice words for Simms as I jumped around in a victory celebration. The prize for winning the game for Denver fans is a date with the New England Patriots next Saturday in the second round of the playoffs. The penalty for winning last weekend’s game? Another date with Phil Simms calling the game in Foxborough. I may just have to stick to the radio broadcast. Hell, I’m not sure Simms will mentally be able to handle another Broncos victory. With another Tebow victory, Simms may just snap.
So that’s why I, Gus Jarvis, am writing to you. Please see it in your heart to drop Phil Simms from your crew like the sack of potatoes he is. Putting Phil Simms out to pasture will be good for you, good for Denver Broncos fans and good for the game of football.
In Elway we trust,
– Gus Jarvis