President Paris Hilton and Other Predictions | Musings of a Mountain Man
by Jack Pera
Jun 05, 2007 | 275 views | 0 0 comments | 4 4 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Isn’t every New Year remarkable? For one thing, you get to celebrate another birthday (if you live that long). For another, you get to wipe the slate clean of everything that went wrong in the previous year, and start over. For yet another, everybody gets an equal chance to be a big hero by making bizarre predictions that may actually come to pass. So go ahead, put on your thinking cap, burn a little midnight oil, and make a few wild guesses about what you predict will for 2007.

I’ll help out and start if off with a few simple questions:

1. What will be the exact figure the Delta County Jury decides the Town of Telluride must pay for the valley floor? (Maybe we should get up a community-wide pool on this?)

2. What will be the combined dollar amounts of real estate transactions within the Towns of Telluride and Mountain Village for 2007?

3. What will be the midway snow depth at the Telluride Ski Area on Thanksgiving Day?

4. How many skier days will Telski report for the 2006-07 season?

5. What will be the next prohibitively expensive new taxpayer-funded “toy” that either the Town of Telluride government or some citizen dreams up to have the voters automatically approve this year?

6. Now that Jake Plummer is Denver Bronco history, who will be the Broncos backup quarterback next season?

The above questions are just a warm-up, although hitting any one on the head will make you look pretty good. Hit them all and you might consider taking up fortune-telling to supplement your income. However, to prove yourself a real genius (and leave the other prognosticators in the dust), you must predict some unimaginable event that will happen in 2007 that nobody could possibly have dreamed would happen.

Who predicted the collapse of the Soviet Union? Nobody.

Who predicted America would put a moron in the White House? Nobody. Actually, I must correct myself – I remember reading awhile back that some genius whose name I have forgotten, noticing the nationwide trend, really did predict that having an idiot as U.S. President would come to pass.

Get the hang of it? Let’s go for it.

 Since I have an unmanageable and unimaginable imagination most of the time, I use the above as an introduction to give you my fearless 2007 predictions, any of which I believe have somewhere between a 50-50 and a one in a million chance of coming true and getting into the history books. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

1. Totally unsolicited and unexpected, the  economically depressed Town of Telluride will be the recipient of a $650 million Congressional “earmark” pork project to build a parking lot underneath the entire south half of the town as a reward for its liberal voting record. (That’s liberal, the adjective, as in how successfully town voters are at spending taxpayer money, not liberal, the noun, that’s applied to Democrats in every election.)

2. President Putrid George W. Bush will win the Nobel Peace Prize for “giving democracy” to the chaotic tragedy that is Iraq.

3. Speaking of which, the Kurds, Sunnis and Shiites will finally “get it,” bury the hatchet, and “get democracy,” American style; courtesy of American blood, dollars, opportunistic profiteering, blind patriotism, partisan loyalty, worthless opposition and chicken-hawk politicians.

4. President Pathetic George W. Bush will confer the Presidential Medal of Freedom on the following, complete with an attached bonus future pardon and/or immunization from a possible war crimes tribunal: Himself, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, the Neocons, the Pentagon and all others making decisions to gleefully invade and destroy an innocent country.

5. Capitalizing on her wild popularity, Paris Hilton will toss her hat in the ring and run for President. Because it now has been proven when it comes to voters that anyone can become Prez, oddsmakers immediately make her a 3-1 favorite to win.

6. All Hispanic illegal immigrants will be rounded up and given a bus ride, for which they must pay, back to Mexico. Recognizing the mistake, they are then immediately given a “free ride” back into the U. S. on the same bus, under the same conditions. Immigration case forever solved and closed.

7. The Denver Broncos will only win two regular season NFL games in 2007, giving them the Number 1 pick in the 2008 NFL draft. To ease the pain, most rabid Broncomaniacs convert to sedated Broncoholics.

You know, if you’re too lazy to think out predictions on your own, you won’t get any sympathy from me. If you’re this type, I have a suggestion: Adopt the ones given as gospel by flako Pat Robertson. Since his come direct from He/She/It/Whatever (God Almighty), they can’t get any more accurate than that.
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